If you have breath in your lungs you have, or have had at one point, a dream or desire. Maybe your dream is to one day own a business, have a baby, adopt a child, travel the world, get married, learn a new skill or to shed those pesky lbs.  Whatever it may be, we all have our box of desires tucked away in the recesses of our minds with the hope that one day they will surface and come to fruition.

Yes, like you, I have dreams and desires. Some have come to pass and there are some that I am still waiting for them to unfold. Sometimes I am patient in this process and sometimes I get incredibly frustrated, sad and moody (sorry to all my close friends, y’all are champs!) wondering WHY I have to learn THIS much patience!

I have tried the path of least resistance and basically told God, “Thanks for nothin’, I’ll take it from here. I’m gonna take matters into my own hands.” Ok, spoiler alert…that has never ended well, ever. I have gotten myself into more hot messes and situations that have left me empty and/or begging forgiveness due to my careless concocted plans. Even as I am writing this I am sitting here shaking my head and letting out a few giggles at the things I have done. Hindsight is always 20/20.

A couple of weeks ago I had one of those powerful, deep and intense moments that I believe was a milestone marker for my journey. I wasn’t looking for this moment, it almost seemed like this moment found me. We had just finished a worship set at our church and I found myself longing to get away (ok, truth be told I wanted to run fast and hard and hide away from the world). I didn’t quite understand this heavy feeling I was feeling but it was rushing over me so quick and hard I felt like Niagra Falls was pounding down into my soul. I was able to thankfully sneak away into my office (convenience of working at the same place the conference was) and there I fell to my knees and the dam burst with a flood of tears to follow. It’s the kind of cry that is so intense no sound could be heard but a deep inaudible cry with yet no understanding. In those moments I know it’s ok to ask questions, God knows me and is ok that I love to ask questions. So I asked, “What the heck is going on, can you fill me in?” Within five seconds I heard (not audibly but in my spirit), “Surrender. Give me your dreams and lay down your desires.”

My initially reaction was to question if I heard Him right but, due to the influx of more tears I figured He hit the nail on the head. I did still ask, “Whyyyyyyy?!?!” Being the loving and gracious God He is He said, “You can’t hold fully on to Me while holding so tightly to your dreams and desires.” In that moment I knew. I knew I had to open my tightly fisted hand. As I physically opened my hands, I told the Lord in two simple words, “I surrender.” I immediately felt drenched with so much peace and love that saturated my soul.

What happened next surprised me a bit. His response to me opening my hand was this…”I am not asking you to give up your dreams or desires I am asking you to keep them always with an open hand.” (Cue the tears!!!) It was like the light switch got turned on! I was understanding (finally) what He meant. To keep my hands (dreams and desires) open while holding on to God. To keep my heart steadfast in love with the Creator of this universe. To continue to delight in Him and He will give the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4 paraphrase). To know that He truly does have my best interest at heart. He truly wants the best for me and for the advancing of His kingdom here on the earth.

I know all of this “hands open” talk can seem easier said than done. Even in the last two weeks I have had to consistently remind myself, “Keep those hands open, girl!” I will say this, the reward of obedience is worth it, every time! Do I know the end results to anything left open in my hands, nope, but I know the One who does and from experience, He is pretty trustworthy.

• What are you holding on to so tightly?

•What do you need to surrender and hold with an open hand?

I know it can seem scary and can even be painful to release. To be honest, there is no guarantee you’ll get back what you surrendered. I do know this, the blessing of sweet surrender and having a greater relationship with Father God is far greater than holding on to something that wasn’t ever ours to begin with.

•I hope you too can know the joys of sweet surrender.

Till we meet again…have a splendid day!

Ok, is it just me or do the days seem to be moving at warp speed? We are already in the third month of the year!!! I feel as though it was just yesterday that I shared about my new work adventure. Hard to believe it has been a little over six months since I started my new job. Time waits for no one, but it sure does fly when you’re having fun!

I have been stretched in so many ways over the last six months. I have had to step out of my comfort zone so much I am not sure I even know where the zone starts and stops anymore! I can honestly say that when I do decide to put on my big girl pants (which is almost daily) and bravely meet each challenge with a bold God confidence, I grow more into the awareness of who God made me to be. Don’t think for a second that I’ve got this whole bravery thing figured out, because I don’t. However, I do know that each time I show up and make myself available God seems to do some pretty amazing things.

What I wasn’t expecting with this new hurried pace was that I had to be even more intentional about my time and scheduling. Before this new job I used to have an idea of what I wanted to do in a week and would jot down reminders in my calendar, easy peasy. This job is a whole new ball game and I was making rookie mistakes left and right! I quickly learned you have to plan events sometimes 10-12 months in advance!! Who does that?!?! It’s just not normal! I am so much more of a smaller scale planner and love to leave room for spontaneity.

I have been able to still be spontaneous with my personal schedule so thankfully that has kept things balanced. Although I have also learned that I have to plan ahead for my personal time soooo much more than I used to. As an ambivert the introverted half of me was screaming loudly in protest! This new planning system meant that I would have to commit to dates and times, with people, in advance, and stick with the plan! Lord, have mercy!! I can thankfully say I am doing ok with this new plan and surviving.

I’ve also recognized that, due to the sometimes hurried fast pace of the week and still getting familiarized with the job details and duties, I was beginning to lose my wonder. The fast pace crept in so quickly I was missing out on the beautiful and treasured slow moments I have been accustom to. The moments where I slow down to look up and see the sky showing off it’s radiant beauty. To slow down and be mesmerized by the way the starry milk-white frost has crystallized itself over the windows of my car overnight. To slowly walk into work just so I can get a few more glimpses of the sun kissed snow sparkling with a glittery glow.

These moments provide so much joy and delight! They bring opportunity for us to look for simple beauty in the day to day. I don’t always know what I will find when I slow down from a hurried pace, but I know I’d never see the rewards of simple beauty in the unexpected if I ignore the clarion call to slow my pace, look up, and become presently aware of my surroundings.

Have you slowed down enough recently to see the beauty in the seemingly ordinary, every day life? I strongly encourage you to give it a try. Go ahead and be in the moment! I dare you to be fully present! You’ll be amazed what you can experience or discover in the unexpected.

• expect the unexpected

• be present

• slow your pace

• see the the beauty in the ordinary

Til we meet again….seek and find!

Have a splendid day!

At the beginning of every year I like to take time to hear what is on God’s heart for the upcoming year. This year I didn’t hear a whole lot of specifics but one phrase that kept flashing in my mind like a bright neon light was, “Year of YES.”

With this new mantra drumming in mind I started saying, “yes” to almost everything that came my way. Well, I quickly learned that saying “yes” actually meant that I also had to learn how to say, “no.” By me saying, “no,” I realized I was able to give more of an effective yes. This was definitely a game changer because now when I said, “yes,” I knew that I was all in. I was more intentional in my thought processes of what was best for me and if I really wanted to do whatever was being proposed. No offense to anyone that knows me personally, but there were times I said, “no,” simply because I just wasn’t feeling it. But I will say the reward of saying, “no” usually far outweighed, or even canceled out, any guilt that would rise up for not saying “yes” to the activity or thing being offered.

Having this year be a “year of yes” has been more than I could have ever imagined.  I know that it has pushed me to do things I would have naturally just said no to due to fear of failure (see last post). Having overcome severe anxiety and panic, I realized that there are so many things I have had to relearn. I had been robbed of all the previous joys of life and this was the year that I was beginning to gain momentum to get back all that had been stolen from me and MORE! A simple walk in the park has now become a relearned joy. A fun road trip, that a friend and I made to our friend’s lake house, is another relearned enjoyment. You see, this was the first time being the driver for a road trip in YEARS!!! Y’all this was monumental!! I also was on a boat for about 5 hours with no issues at all! I even drove a jet ski for the first time! I would have never been able to do all of this even  a year ago, BUT GOD!

This summer has been filled with oodles of fun and exploring. I am still working on relearning some things, but God has given me the grace to continue to move forward in bold confidence.

Which brings us to August 8, 2018. Actually, we need to travel back a few weeks so I can set this up a bit better. I was talking with our worship pastor, who I already knew was planning on leaving from our church, and he pops the question to me, “Hey, would you ever consider or have you thought about being the worship pastor here?” Now, when he said this I can assure you that a thousand thoughts flooded my mind all at once! I had thought of doing something like this YEARS ago, but any desires or dreams I had were stuffed so far down I wasn’t even sure I knew what my true dreams and desires were anymore. So I was rather shocked when I didn’t automatically give a resounding, “NO,” as my knee jerk reaction. Instead I felt this tinge of life prodding me like a fire stick stokes a gentle fire. I looked at him pensively and told him I definitely needed time to process and pray about all we had discussed and if this is a direction I wanted to go.

I had no idea what an extensive process this would be! I had every emotion you could possibly think of the whole week after we talked. I had questions galore about all that this would mean and what it would entail. I also had people, that had no idea about the decision process I was walking through, unknowingly speak prophetically into the situation. Confirmations on what I should do kept coming in the most unlikely places.

I could feel my heart leaning more and more toward saying, “yes,” but was beginning to grasp the fact that if I did say, “yes,” that would mean I would be giving up the comforts of a job that I have had for 14 years. This is a job that I know very well, enjoyed and was very good at. I would have to leave friends that I have worked with for many years, which was probably going to be one of the toughest parts because they had become like family.

After a couple of interviews, the more I pondered, prayed, weighed out all my options and had several meetings with my mentor, I made the decision to move forward into this new adventure. This has been one of the biggest life decisions I have made since I changed churches in my early twenties! AHHHHH!!!! I was scared, excited, nervous and let’s just be honest….freaking out a bit!! What in the heck did I just say, “yes” to?!?!? The task ahead of me is so much bigger than me and it put a holy fear of God inside me.

The fact that God would choose to use me in this capacity is extremely humbling. I had to take ALL of my weaknesses and places I feel inadequate to accomplish this task and lay them at Papa God’s feet. I can guarantee that there are PLENTY of others that are more talented and skilled than I am that could have done this job. But there was this underlying surety, and God confidence, that came from somewhere deep within me that I knew, my obedience to God would provide the grace to consistently lean on My Beloved while He equipped me and makes ALL things possible. I was also hanging on to something my spiritual dad told me (that his spiritual dad told him), “I may not be the smartest, I may not be the most talented, but if God has called me to do this, then I am the best one for the job.”

So here I am, willing to jump on the bus for this wild and crazy adventure as the new Worship Pastor at our church!! (Still feels so surreal!!) As I said my bittersweet “see you laters” to my friends and co-workers I was given this awesome pillow (see below) that was yet another confirmation I was on the right path.

God has a creative way of helping us get out of our little secure nest we affectionately call our comfort zone. I have always hailed myself as the “Comfort Zone Queen,” but I am quickly learning that isn’t my Kingdom (God) identity! I was born for wild adventures and to embrace change! I was born to do hard things that establish and reinforce my Kingdom identity and advance the Kingdom of God! I was born for ….such a time as this!

I am so thankful I gave God my, “YES!!!”

• Give God your, “YES,” and watch Him do more than you could ask or imagine, not only in you but in others!!

Have a splendid day!

Hey, I’m back! Yes, I know, it has been quite awhile since the last time I have meandered my way on here. I started a couple of posts but they were quickly put to the wayside, solely based on the fact that I didn’t feel I was able to convey my message well. Oddly enough, me not completing those posts, is lining up quote nicely for our little chat today.

Does anyone else get those menacing little thoughts in your mind that silently scream…”you’re not good enough,” “you’re never going to measure up,” “you’re not going to do this as good as (fill in the blank), so don’t even try.” Yeah, I didn’t think I was alone in this dastardly thought process. These thoughts have been reeling through my mind for years like an annoying song on repeat. Sometimes they were subtle and other times they raised their voices like a megaphone in my mind. I am not even sure when they started but they took up residency and have set up camp in my noggin for some time.

I lived with these words for so long they had become part of my daily regimen.  I unknowingly have based all of my decisions off of these lies. Sure I would do some things here and there that would seemingly contradict or refute the lies, but for the most part these lies gripped me to the core. To be quite honest, I believed these words as truth. I honestly thought that deep down I wasn’t enough or that I wasn’t capable of doing something because I saw someone else who does it WAAAAY better than me. Um, news flash…there will ALWAYS be someone who does something better than you!!

This isn’t about me having self-esteem issues or knowing my identity. I know who I am and Who’s I am and the beautiful grace that provides. What I didn’t know, and recently discovered, is I had been dealing with this life choking thing we know as, “fear of failure.”

It was like the lights were turned on and all the cockroaches went running to find the darkness. Oh, but I was on to these little buggers now! These lies don’t own me anymore! I have found the truth that I am enough and that I can do EVERYTHING that I am called to do! I don’t have to be perfect in my endeavors. Will I fail sometimes, yep, I sure will. But it is our willingness to take a risk and face our fears that we find, stepping out becomes our greatest success.

Last but definitely not least, if you are going to take the plunge to face fear of failure in the head on, you might want to think about surrounding yourself with friends that believe in you and will champion you. Knowing that you have people on your team will make the risk more bearable, even if you stumble and fall.

I don’t have all of this figured out, but I know that my brain has been washed with fabulous truths! I have new, fresh clean thoughts swimming around in my mind that are allowing me to step off the shore into the waters of adventure.

-So, take a risk today!

-Take a step into the thing that seems bigger than you (yes even if you’re scared out of your mind!).

-You never know you can do something, until you do something…..so do something!

I believe in you!

Have a jolly good day!!

Yep, I’m doing it. I am daring to plunge into the depths of one single soul. I am taking a risk to pull back the curtain of a very taboo topic for most. Yes, my friends, I am diving in to the “s” word!

The mystery word for today is, “single!” This word is widely used with various meanings. In today’s world we use it to order a specific size of our favorite scoop of ice cream, to depict a recording of one song to sell or to describe a baseball player only getting a first base hit. But we also use the word, “single,” to describe, as I’m sure you’ve already guessed, as someone who is without a significant other. Ya know, that friend who isn’t married or dating and you refer to them as your, “single friend.” Yep, that’s the “single” I am talking about here.

There are a plethora of books, blogs and articles talking about being single. There are family and friends that ask a bajillion questions regarding your all mysterious and yet lacking love life. I think one of my favorites is, “are you seeing anyone?!” I mean, what does that even mean?! Uh, yes, yes I am, I see people everyday and all day thank you very much! Ok, fine, I know that isn’t what they are implying but here’s a news flash for ya, if we are seeing someone, trust me, you’ll be one of the first to know!

I’ve been single since the day I was born. I didn’t go on one date at all in my teenage years. I didn’t get asked to any dances, never attended a homecoming or prom. I honestly don’t ever recall a guy ever actually showing any interest in me at all until many years after I graduated, and even then my friends had to tell me he was interested because I was completely oblivious (he was bad news, but that’s a story for another day)! I mean why would I even entertain the thought that someone would like me at all when it was usually one of my girl friends the guy was seeking after and wanting to pursue. Yep, I was that oh so lucky girl that got to hear her guy friends go on and on and ooooooon about my girl friends. Of course I would be encouraging and listen but inside my noggin I was thinking, “here we go again with my guy friends always interested in someone else other than me.”

After years of this, one would think that I would just became jaded and cynical and hardened in my heart to the fact that being in a relationship will EVER happen at all, but that is far from the truth. Sure, I have had my moments of jealousy and nights of ugly crying asking God relentlessly, “Why not me?! Do you see me down here doing the slow crawl in the single lane?!” Of course after I’ve dried my tears and come to my senses I usually get the same reassuring answer, “I see you, I ardently love you (yes, God talks to me like Mr. Darcy, don’t hate) and My timing is perfect.”

When I first started hearing those words years ago I can honestly say I was the least bit comforted. Let’s be real, those words can’t cuddle me!! But the more I not only heard the words, but listened to the heart of the One who was speaking them, the more I became willing to put my trust in this One who has so gently whispered into my tender heart.

Through trusting Him I have learned sooooo much in this single process. I have watched over and over how God has protected me from things I couldn’t see. Usually that protection came from my dear close friends or my amazing fam. So thankful for the community of people that I get to call family and do life with. Word to the wise: if you are going out on dates with someone or showing interest in someone and those who know you, or know them, mention to you that this person is not good for you or they have some issues that are throwing red flags and ask for you to stay clear and not be in a relationship with them, PLEASE listen. Listen even if you’re mad at them for saying something! They are most likely seeing things you can’t while so close to the situation. I say this from experience and from learning the hard way. So thankful for my gracious friends and family that still love me after all the stupid stuff I have done after them flying high their red flags of caution. I implore you, don’t throw caution to the wind.

Another thing I have learned (this one is a special bonus for the ladies) is to guard your heart. My spiritually daddy told me this years ago and I didn’t understand fully what it meant until a couple of years ago (I guess I was a slow learner). Guarding your heart is simply knowing who you are, knowing your worth and knowing your value. When you know that you are a precious gem, a princess, worthy to be loved and to be fully pursued that is a catalyst for you guarding your beautiful heart. When you become solidly aware of who you are, you will be less likely to look for another to fill a void in you, but you’ll be more apt to look for the one to enhance the greatness of who you already are.

My last lil tid bit is this (for both my ladies and gents): don’t search for Mr or Mrs Right….BECOME Mr or Mrs Right. Man oh man have I gone through the crucible of becoming!!!! I couldn’t even imagine letting someone into my mess a few years ago! I guess God really does know what He is doing, shocker! Do all you can now to become the person of character, integrity, honor, trustworthiness, graciousness and forgiving that you would want to find in another. Allow the process to happen to become these things that you are seeking out in your man or woman, you won’t regret it.

Whether you are single and waiting (got my hand raised and not ashamed!) or you feel you’re called to be single for your whole life, know this, you are not less than or insignificant. You have a place and purpose right here and now. Don’t wait “until then,” to do what you can do now. I think of all the things I have done, countries I’ve traveled to, places I’ve visited and I don’t regret for one bit the freedom that I’ve been blessed with to do all of those things and more. I am enjoying living in the moment and being present.

So today, right where you’re at, love others well and live bold. Walk with courage and dare to be vulnerable. Love and be loved. Become fully single.

•Live authentically

Have a splendid day!!

Thought you may want to see the almost foot of snow we got here yesterday!

It hardly seems real, the way I feel right now compared to the start of last year. It was a year ago that I started my journey of walking out of the previous year of sheer hell and torment. I had no dreams or vision for last year but only that I could not bear to have a repeat of what I just went through. I just basically wanted to make it through the year, and thank God, I did.

I not only made it through last year but had many extremely humbling moments of healing, transformation and milestones of victory and freedom. I know you’re probably wondering, what was THAT bad that you were evening questioning your ability to make it through another year. Well, glad you asked, I am about to break it down for you. One day I will write a book about this whole loooooong journey, but this will definitely be the cliff note version so don’t panic!

Panic, just writing that word brings back a flood of horrid memories. I had struggled with anxiety and panic attacks for years. It wasn’t ever consistent but when it hit it could take a day or two to recover. Two years ago I had just ended a very emotionally and verbally abusive friendship with a textbook narcissist. This person used me at every juncture for 5 years. I saw the warning signs and my close friends also saw the warning signs but, as those of you who have been in an abusive friendship know, you don’t feel like there is a way out. The person has manipulated and controlled you so strategically, that at the moment there is a sign of getting out of the friendship they lure you back in. You’re on a short leash with a narcissist. It was a viscous and long cycle. *Let me stop here and ask….does a friend consistently make you feel devalued or worthless? Has this person little by little isolated you from every single friend you once had? Does this person praise you one moment and in the next breath speak down to you or give you verbal hateful lashings? If you answered yes to any of these questions please seek help and get out ASAP!!!!!* Ok, bunny trail over and back at it….

So it was two years ago I ended the friendship by just not responding, ever again. Making that decision was the hardest and best decision of my life. I felt a small semblance of hope beginning to rise. I decided I wasn’t going to talk about this with anyone, mostly because I felt so full of shame that I hadn’t heeded my spiritual dad’s advice or any of my other close friends. I just pulled up my boot straps and begin to trudge forward out of the thick dark clay I had been in.

I was doing well, so I thought. I hadn’t cried that much and I chose to quickly forgive so I wouldn’t have to deal with the emotions of bitterness rising up. But then it hit. I was at work and I began to get overcome with this intense anxiety. It felt like a brick house was sitting on top of me while I am frantically trying to push it off. The room began to seem like it was a sauna and everything became foggy in my mind. It was back and it was back with a vengeance.

That was the first day of living 24/7 with non-stop panic attacks for a full year. There was never a moment where I felt physical rest for 365 days. I slept in panic(by sleeping I mean the few hours I maybe got a night), I woke up in panic and I went to work in panic. My heart was pounding hard constantly all day. I could barely take a shower, often times having to get out of the shower and sit on the floor to talk myself into a calm enough state just to get back in to finish rinsing my hair. I went to work and had to often escape to the bathroom to do deep breathing just to make it through another 15 minutes. As soon as work was over I would drive straight home. I couldn’t really go into stores so grocery shopping was an Olympic racing event where I would go ONLY when there was no one there and mark it in my mind where I could grab everything I needed in 2-4 minutes. Checking out was a living hell!! Sweat would begin to start and my legs turned weak and wobbly and I would fidget non stop to try and keep it together. There were many times I almost walked out while the cashier was ringing me up because it just got too intense. At one point I had to have a dear friend talk me back into my apartment because I couldn’t get out of my car!!! I did nothing for a whole year, and I mean nothing. I had to say no to every invite or hangout or activity. My home became my prison.

It was the beginning of last year that things began to turn for me. I started getting into a new community of friends at church. I said yes, even in the face of knowing I was still dealing with panic attacks. I said yes to feeling uncomfortable in most situations I was put in. I said yes to singing again more regularly despite the extreme leg weakness I was experiencing. The more I said yes the more hope began to rise. I had asked God over and over for years to just take this from me, but I have grown to learn that I was in a glorious process. I was learning to see myself how God sees me. I was learning to love the girl God made me to be. I was starting to like me. I learned that God IS faithful and He has been with me through every step of this journey. I began to be more vulnerable with others and realize that it is ok to have emotions and feelings toward things. It was ok to be vulnerable and share what bothered me or what I found to be funny or enjoyable no matter how small it may seem to another. I walked out of shame into fresh freedom. I walked into joy, love and grace filled friendships that have been my constant support and cheerleaders. I could NOT have survived without the friends that God has given me, period. The days where it seemed like I was going to regress and get tempted with discouragement, when panic would come after having a few days of little to no anxiety, they were there to remind me to NEVER give up and keep relying on the Lord for strength.

I can say today, with salty warm tears steaming down my face, that I have reached the other side. I made it. I persevered. The realization of how far I’ve come, oddly enough came to me as I sat inside a movie theater on January 1, 2018. As I was watching the movie the second song began. The lead actor and actress began to sing and dance so beautifully and effortlessly. Tears began to run down my cheek as I realized that is how I feel inside. Like the free flow of her dress as she was gently whisked up and around by her lead, that is how my heart felt, whimsical and free. I was now free to to say yes again. Yes to seeing a movie with wonderful new friends. Yes to being carried up and around by dreams once buried by the pain and trials I had faced. Yes to live again. My heart is coming alive. At last I am breathing in hope and exhaling joy.

My prayer for you is that your new year is filled with hope and the vulnerability to be all you are created to be. That your past will not unjustly hold you back from your future. It’s ok to dream again.

•every day…..live authentically

Have a cheery and joy filled day!

Sitting here mezmorized by the white silent rain, that is gracefully cascading down from the seamless winter sky. This wintery miracle happens every year and yet, when it finally comes, I get just as giddy and mystified by it, as if it was the very first time I have ever experienced the delight and joy it brings. It comes so gently and covers everything with pure grace. It asks for nothing, but for us to simply behold its alluring beauty. It beckons us to slow down, wait and become aware of our availibilty to embrace the moment. Are you aware of its gentle prodding? Are you available to respond to its clarion call? Are you willing to yield to its soft wooing?

The past few weeks have been quite contemplative in nature. On the outside the scurry of the season has been pressing, but there has been an unrelenting internal pull to slow down. To “be present,” is the question that has been persistently luring in my mind for days. This simple and yet bold statement has been bleeding into everything I do.

Ok, so let’s be honest, I know that I am not the only one that as soon as they hear their phone ping or see a new alert for a message, we habitually reach for the phone to see who texted or messaged us through social media. We are like Pavlov’s dogs (metaphorically speaking, to be clear, as I am not incinuating that anyone is a dog). But like Pavlov’s dogs, society as a whole, is conditioned to respond to our wireless contraptions with a just a single ding of a bell or notification. For most of us, checking our phones constantly is second nature. We don’t even realize how much we do it. And God forbid I leave my phone at home, it is like I lost an appendage!! We want to constantly be up to date see the latest and greatest on social media or be up to date on the plethora of pictures that are posted. I get it, I really do! I am the first to stand up and say that I have been guilty as charged. I mean that most recent post on social media will still be there after I am done socializing, right? The message or text that just came in can wait a few minutes for a response, right? I am definitely confessing that I too have drunk the social media Kool-Aid and often find myself in a social media haze. But the one question that I keep asking myself, that is causing the haze to clear a bit is, “Who am I being for the person(s) right in my view?” Am I genuinely engaged with what I am doing or who I am with? Am I actively listening or am I drifting off into another world of conversation with someone that is not with me at the moment?

I know that you have had those times where you are talking with someone and you get that gut feeling that although they are there with you, they’re definitely not listening. You know what I mean, that time when you were sharing your thoughts or insights with a friend and mid-sentence you see them glance down at their phone and begin responding to a text. Yeah, I thought you might recognize that scenario. How did that make you feel? I know when that happens to me it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It tends to make me less open to share with that person again. It leaves me thinking that they really don’t put a whole lot of value in what was being said or who is saying it. Now, I am aware that there are unique circumstances that an interruption is needed, but it should be the exception not the rule. Here again, I have not only been the receiver of this less than desirable interaction, but I have dished it out to others (insert sad face). I am reminded of the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Such a simple rule yet carries a tried and true lesson for us all.

It is my desire in the days to come to be more aware, aware of where I am. Am I really with the one in front of me? Do I take the time to hear what each person is saying. Do I give time to validate what the other person has shared? Not saying that I am perfect at any of the questions posed, but I want to do better. I can do better. I will be better. I am becoming, presently aware.

Hope you have a fantabulous and cheery day!!!

*If you need someone to hear you or listen to you, feel free to email me anytime! I am here for you. You matter and your life is of value and worth.

Well, alrighty, here we go! So glad you’re here! I know it’s been a wee bit of time since our last lil chat, but since you’re reading this, I take it that you have found it in your heart to forgive me for my extreme lack of written expression. So without further ado, let us begin. 

In my last blog post I brought up the ugly truth about the  anxiety and panic attacks that had plagued me for over 15 years. There are so many contributing factors for the prolonged battle with anxiety but today I would like to share a little bit of my process in the past 11 months. The process of me walking out the freedom I knew I had, but my mind was so riddled with lies for so long, that I knew I had some unlearning to do. My mind needed to be renewed and filled with truth that I was desparately seeking. 

You see, in the months leading up to the beginning of this year, I thought it was normal to think about all the ways that I  could potentially die doing regular daily tasks. I had grown accustom to the fact that I had to self talk myself out of bed, every single day, for well over a year. I had to consistently convince myself that I wasnt going to have a panic attack while attempting to take a shower.  It was a regular process for me to have multiple panic attacks while at work. How I worked during those darkest anxiety and depression days still blows my mind. I KNOW it was ONLY through the grace and strength of God. I guarantee you most people never even knew I was going through daily hell.  Anxiety, panic and depression is a silent enemy. It isn’t seen like a broken leg or something that requires a surgery to fix, so many don’t see or understand the shame and pain that it carries. If I told you of all the horrid details it would be almost unbelievable. Take for instance one time last year I had a panic attack so bad that I literally had to call a friend to talk me out of my car and into my apartment. I would step out of my car, a whirlwind of dizziness took over me so I would turn right back around, open my car door and shut myself inside. I did this about 4-5 more times and After about 30 minutes And my friend constantly talking to me, I finally got out and made a mad dash to my apartment door and let myself in. It took me over an hour to calm myself down and get my heart to stop racing. 

Needless to say I did NOTHING for about 8 months last year. I forced myself to get up and go to work. I would get to work and counted down the seconds before I could leave so I could hurry home to rest from the constant anxiety I was in all day. I could barely make it to the bathroom or the kitchen area at work to heat up my lunch without having a panic attack. My legs were so weak at this point, and felt like jello jigglers, I feared even standing!!! My body was pulsating all day. I would have the sweats at least 4-5 times a day and was constantly hot. There is so much more that happened but I will spare you the details. All I know is that I would not wish any of these things on my worst enemy!!!!

Ok, although I wanted you to get a teeny tiny bit of understanding, enough about all that icky stuff, I want to tell you about the past 11 month process. I want to share why I am sitting here today with tears streaming down my face as I write this. It was about 11 months ago, after months of isolation, that I made the choice to try and become a part of a college and career group at church that meets on Wednesday nights. I did not want to go at all. The only reason I went is because the leader of the group said to me, “if you want more hugs, you need to put yourself in a place to receive them!” So that is what I was determined to do come hell or high water!!! That first night I had so much anxiety and couldn’t even stand up during the time of worship and singing. About 10 times I wanted to run out of there so fast and go back home where I felt secure isolated from everyone. I pushed through that first night and many nights there after. I am sooooo thankful I decided to push through because it is the friendships, the love and understanding  of the new friends I was making that helped propel me out of the darkest of nights.

 I am sitting here in awe as I look back at where I have been and where God has brought me to today though framily (friends + family ….yes one of my famous smushed up words!). I got to do things I love and enjoy for the first time in a long time! This summer I got to go on a camping trip with our church and slept in an unfamiliar place without anxiety! I got to walk the beaches and play volley ball and hold babies all without anxiety or panic!! I got to sing the national anthem at a minor league baseball game with no anxiety!! Singing the national Anthem was such an honor!!!  I was able to go walking again at my favorite local park, which I had to forgo for over a year due to my weak and pulsating legs. I’ve been able to sing again on the music team at church (although it has been a process as well, I have had a VERY encouraging worship pastor (aka brother/mentor) that pushed me when he knew I could do it, even if I felt like crap!) I finally  got up enough guts to go swing dancing for the first time in August and haven’t stopped since!! A new friend I just met had asked me back in February to go but little did he know the things I was still working on so it couldn’t be a reality for me to even try it at that time. My heart wanted to go so much, but I knew my body and mind were not ready. I even almost backed out that night in August and drove off but I am soooo glad I got some courage to walk into a new place alone and have so much fun!!  Dancing has provided me with anoher form of confidence that I didn’t know I needed. It has also helped me mentally to let go of things that really don’t matter and just be engaged in the moment. To slow down and have a conversation without words.  Yeah, I could go on and on about the different reasons I have grown so fond of dancing but I’ll save that for another time. I so love being part, even in some small way, of this dance community. The friends that I have made, and yet to make, make this girl smile! 

So you see, this Thanksgiving and holiday season I have a little bit more to be thankful for. So if you see me getting overly excited about seeing twinkle lights or getting to walk aimlessly through lighted streets, you’ll know why!  I am getting to enjoy life again one moment at a time. I am getting to enjoy others and be there for them more! I get to give and be in the moment with dear friends! I get to invest and help others that are hurting or need a listening ear. I get to say, ‘yes’ to things again! I am giddy about this Holiday season for more reasons than one, but most of all my heart is FULL til overflowing with THANKS to God and each and every person that has been a part of this long trying journey! These are friends that have opened their hearts and often their homes to extend a hug, love, compassion and understanding.  Thank you just doesn’t seem to cut it with the depth of gratitude I feel for each of you. My sweet Framily, you know who you are and  I love you oodles!! Xoxo 

What are you thankful for today? I’d love to hear what God has done or what others have done to help you when you needed it most. Maybe you’re feeling alone and full of shame as I often did and have isolated yourself. I’m praying for you to know your value and worth. I am praying that you will have the courage to get into community with others that you trust and can encourage you. Take it from me, isolation brings more pain. You can do this, I believe in you! 

So, my lovely friends, slow down this season and enjoy the little things. Savor the moment you are in. Give the gift of “presence” to whomever you’re with. Tell someone, “thank you” in a special way that would mean something to them. 

 In everything, and in all situations, always find something to be thankful for. 

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!! 

Yours truly, 

A thankful heart. Xoxo 

Hey there, I’m back! I know you missed me dearly and have been sitting on the edge of your seat for days waiting to see a new blog pop up! Well, today is your lucky day! Life has been interesting the last couple of months and on top of that I had writers block times a bagillion. There is so much I have inside to convey at times, it is hard to know what I am needing to convey next. I actually started a whole other post and decided that wasn’t needed for today. So hop on the blog bus and enjoy the reading ride!

I am sure all of us can say that we are afraid or have a fear of something. Fear of heights, spiders, small enclosed spaces, darkness, fear of failure and the list can go on and on. For me when I was a little girl I was afraid of the open space under my bed. I thought for sure while I was sleeping if my arm fell off the side of the bed that some evil monster was going to grab my arm and pull me down some dark black  hole that was cut in the floor beneath me! Yes, I had a pretty decent imagination. I was also afraid of being outside at night. Just always leery that something was “out there” and gonna get me.

Fear was a real thing in my life at such a young age.  I did grow out of those fears but there was always something that tended to linger. Something that I believe didn’t manifest again until much later.

It was about 15 years ago I was out with some friends at a local coffee shop. I remember that I had been stressing about life for quite awhile. Being out with my friends that night was, in my mind, solidifying the lies that I had mulled over for weeks: “you’re not going to ever be something,” “you’re failing at life,” “you’re not enough” etc, etc, etc. Hearing them talk about what their future plans were, who they were dating and how successful they knew they would become was the icing on the cake for my already battered up mind. Then IT happened, the craziest freakiest thing that happened.  An overwhelming  feeling came rushing over me like something was inside my body pushing me over and at the same time the room was getting smaller and smaller and things were getting dim and blurry. It lasted for what seemed to be forever but I know it was most likely a 5-10 second experience. I came to and tried to act like nothing happened but I just didn’t feel right after that. I was seemingly able to function but I just felt “off” and nauseous. Well, that was the beginning of many more episodes that would occur over the next few weeks. I didn’t know what was going. I was scared and full of fear.  Not only did I have fear while it was happening but I was fearing the fear THAT it was going to happen again. Thus began the cycle of fearing something was seriously wrong. I finally decided that I probably should go to the doctor. I could barely handle sitting in the doctor’s office. I was a fidgety nervous wreck. I finally got called back. I walked down the sterile hallway to the cold clinic room. I climbed on the exam table and the doctor began to ask me questions about why I was there. We talked for barely  5 minutes, yes ONLY 5 minutes, and she ubruptly concluded and conveyed to me, “well, it looks like you have been having anxiety and panic attacks.” I looked at her with the most confused look on my face. I hadn’t even heard of this before let alone having her tell me, after 5 minutes of discussion, that I was experiencing this! In my little mind I refused to accept this diagnosis. Surely there must be another answer to feeling like this. But alas, she wrote out a script for some meds and sent me on my way. There was no discussion of how to help me, no talk of what I could do when an episode hit, just threw meds at me like I was just another “case” she had to deal with for the day.

Driving home from that appointment I had time to think on this new information that was conveyed to me. I didn’t know the slightest thing about anxiety and especially panic attacks! I did know one thing that if that is what was going on I wanted it to stop immediately!! I wanted my life back. I pulled into the driveway of our home, walked into the house and walked directly to my room. I shut the door and I silently bawled into my pillow on my bed. When those words of anxiety and panic were given to me it was just as if she might as well have said that I am now defective and life will never be the same again. I let myself have a good cry then, being the determined girl I am I sat up and said to myself, ‘NO! I am not allowing this to define me! Whatever it takes God I want to get to the root of why I am dealing with these horrible attacks!!’ At that moment I decided, for me, I didn’t want the meds to mask the issue. So I stuffed the script for meds under my bed and never looked back. (I want to stop here and say if you also deal with anxiety and panic attacks I am in no way implying that you can’t or shouldn’t take meds. This decision is what I heard from God to do for me. Believe me there were MANY days and long nights that I wish I hadn’t heard that from God, but His grace is sufficient!)

That year was one of the most debilitating and painful years of my life up until that point. I rarely slept and when I did I would wake up in a hot sweat, my neck paralyzed and me trying to grasp for air. I couldn’t go into any stores alone and barely with another person. I remember the first time I realized I couldn’t go to the mall is when I walked into the store and the room started spinning. I had to hold on to a clothes rack to keep my sanity and balance all while making it look like I was looking at clothes. In reality I was freaking out inside and  devising a way to escape this place of torment. I finally made it out of the mall and didn’t return there or any store for over a year. In that year’s time I also found myself for about a week not able to leave my home. Yes, that is right literally stuck inside my home like a prison. I had zero energy! I could barely stand long enough to even take a shower. I made myself try and do crafts to try and get my mind back working. I felt like I was shutting down. I felt like I was just a shell of a person.

I very slowly came out of those black days and dark nights. I lost a lot of hope though  in that year,  but deep down I had this quiet  reservoir of awareness that the same God that created this universe still sees me, knows me and will never leave me. To look back now and write this out for you to read, it seems so far in the past and yet it feels as if it was just yesterday. With salty warm tears cascading my face I will say that what I am remembering even more than the dark nights and pain filled days is God’s faithfulness. His great faithfulness to come and tend to my broken heart and life that was in a million pieces on the floor of my soul. He was so gentle and kind in His pursuit of my heart. Yes, He never stops pursuing our hearts, ever. It was His constant, steady and unrelenting love that I know gave me the strength to persevere and not give up on life. In our weakness He truly becomes our fortifying strength.

Know today that you are loved. No matter where you’re at in your journey, there is a Papa (God) who is madly in love with you. You’re not alone. You’re not defective. You’re not too far away to turn around and see Papa’s loving arms waiting to embrace you. He is our ever present help in time of need. He loves you right where you’re at.

The great thing about coming to God in our weakened state is He actually WANTS your mess! Through grace you get to come to Him dirty and weak and you receive a miraculous exchange of strength and beauty. Mind boggling really to think we don’t have to do one thing to earn this exchange, we just have to come as we are.

Embrace every part of your journey. In the dark nights look for Him, look for this one that will guide and lead you where you need to go. He will navigate the path for you when you can’t see. Trust His hand and lean into His tender arms. He will never leave you or forsake you!

Slow down today to see Him. He is everywhere. See Him in your past. Look for Him in your future. Be aware of Him in your present.

Til later! xoxo

I know, I know it’s been a few weeks since you’ve heard from me. I think this second post was just as difficult, or maybe even more difficult to get out, than than the first! Anywho…I’ll stop stahling and begin…

Sometimes in order to move forward we have to look back. Truth be told, sometimes looking back can be deadly. Take for instance Lots wife in the Bible. Remeber how her little peek backwards caused her to make her big debut as a fine pillar of salt.? Yeah, I don’t think me looking back will cause me to turn into a salty pillar…although I have been known to be salty from time to time (haha!)…but glancing back will provide a fresh look at where I got my running start on this thing we call, life. It will also help set up some foundational premis for the rest of the blogs.

So, I entered this world precisely at 5:44am in the early morn. I’ve always secretly wished it would have been one hour earlier so my time of birth could represent my favorite number 444, but tampering with legal documents sounds like a bad idea, sooooo 5:44am it is. Our family was a family of three (mom, dad and big sis) until I came along, four years after my big sis was born. I honestly don’t remember much of my first 3-4 years of life. The things I remember in those early years are from stories people have told me and pictures that prove I really did exist. One of my most memorable stories, I’ve been told, is when we were making a big move, one state up from where we were, to get a fresh start on life. I was two and a half riding in the front seat of a yellow Ryder moving truck. I was given a piece of round Brachs butterscotch hard candy. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, “why would you give a two and a half year a hard candy?” Believe me I have often questioned that myself. My best guess is that they were trying to keep an active toddler quiet. If you have experience with toddlers you know you will do things you never thought you’d do to keep sane! Well somehow and in someway that lil hard butterscotch candy found its way to the back of my throat and had the audacity to start choking me! Yep, that’s right I am about to breathe my last breath in the front seat of a moving truck when my mom frantically yells to my sister, “hit her on the back!” As any good sibling, looking for an opportunity to hit their other sibling, my sister obliged. With her small six year old hand , she gave my back a good hit and that hard butterscotch candy came flying out of my mouth! I’m pretty thankful that my sister saved my life that day, because I kinda like doing this breathing and living thing.

I mentioned my mom and just us two girls in the truck that day and that is because, unfortunately we were needing to make some space between us and my dad. My mom was, and is, a hard working woman. If I have learned one thing from her that would be, if there’s a will there’s a way. For me, learning that persevering attitude has been pivotal in my life and I know will continue to be. My mom was doing what she knew was best for her and us girls by moving.

That would be the first move of a few moves for the next several years. You see, my dad was an alcoholic. His alcoholism definitely contributed to us needing to move more than we had hoped. There were few times I actually saw my dad sober. He just didn’t know how to process and deal with life and that was his chosen method to escape. I fully honor him as my dad, but for the sake of “looking back” with honesty I think a few details will provide greater understanding and a better foundation in getting to know my early life a bit more.

We moved into a two bedroom  apartment when we first got to our new state and my dad showed up some time later. Him showing up wasn’t the best of times. There was just one too many moments having to watch him abuse my mom. He was usually trying to get the car keys so he could go drink and go fishing. That is when my older sister and I knew the routine to grab mom’s purse, with the keys inside, and go hide in the bedroom closet until “it” was over. Mom taught us to sing a song when he was in these drunken states that “ironically” ended up calming him. I say “ironic” because I know this song helped to bring an atmosphere of peace from Jesus. I think she also knew singing this song would help calm our little scared and fearful hearts down as well. Every time I still hear, or sing, this song memories of those days flood my mind. The memory no longer has a sting to it, but I still remeber singing this beautiful song:

*Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, there’s just something  about that name. Master, Savior, Jesus, like the fragrance after the rain. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, let all heaven and earth proclaim. Kings and kingdoms will all pass away but there’s something about that name.*

That being said, I do remember this one time I refused to go into that closet! I was a five year old lil girl and I was so over this happening to my mom!  I remember thinking, “I am gonna fight for my momma!” and no sooner did that thought come I began to try and beat up a grown man! Yes, that’s right I pulled his hair and kicked him the best I could! I don’t really think I gained any victory that day, but in my lil mind I felt like I helped “save” my mom and I didn’t feel helpless anymore.    In my five year old mind, I was BIG STUFF! Haha!

Being five was a rough year for me. It was the year that I began being molested by a girl in the apartments where we lived. It happened more often than not. I am not sure how long it lasted but it was awhile. It was a hidden thing in my life for YEARS due to the extreme shame and unloveliness one feels having gone through that so you never want to share your dirty secret. I want you to know I have fully forgiven that girl and have found full healing from that awful experience. I want to stop and say this….if this part of my story resonates with you and you  have found yourself in this same situation, please know that you aren’t dirty or unloveable. You are FULLY loved by Jesus. You aren’t defective because of what was done. You can receive healing and move past the pain. It may take time, but it can happen. You are of value and worth!! …… There are a few other things during that year but I think I will save that for another time.

My most favorite memory of living in that first apartment,  besides learning how to ride a two wheeler on a huge adult bike and having THE BEST BIG WHEEL ever known to man, is when my little sister was born! Lil sis is about six and a half years younger than me and when she came home I was smitten!! I loved her (still to do) sooo much! My older sister always thought I was kissing on her too much, but she was soooo cute, I couldn’t help it! Pretty sure that started my DEEP love for babies and my strong desire to wanna eat’m up!!! Yes, every time I see cute babies (which is pretty much ALL babies) I wanna eat’m up!! I have recently learned that there is a name for this glorious phenomenon, “cute aggression!” Yes, I am happy to announce I have cute aggression and I don’t see me recovering from this any time soon!

Wow, I never thought I would have the courage to share this part of my journey, but it is time and it was right time. I am actually sitting here smiling because I know that God truly makes beauty out of ashes. Tears are now welling up in my eyes as my heart is overwhelmed with thanks that God has always been with me, yes, even as a five your old lil girl. He has never left me and will continue to walk with me through all my future days.

Today, may you find the courage to persevere. May you dare to look back so you can move forward.

Til next time! Xoxo